I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
