My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize