I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
