mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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