I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
