my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
