Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
