R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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