I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my being single is dangerous.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
