you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
