onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize