dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
