Someone shit on the floor
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
