I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I forget how to act sober
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
