I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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