I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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