I want to make a zoo with you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize