yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
