In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
