I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
