I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
