If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just want to make out with him forever
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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