I'm gonna have a badass scar
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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