All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I bet he comes in French.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
