my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize