I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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