if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
