I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
