yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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