She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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