the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
