I cannot find my penis.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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