puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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