i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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