Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We need to get me chipped asap
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
