i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
how does that bad decision feel?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
