I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
