if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
