Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize