I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
