I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
