i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
