So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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