I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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