1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
