proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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