He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
