Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
