Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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