Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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