Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So squirting runs in the family.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
