The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
