i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
