I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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