okay pat passed out under dana's car
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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