what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He shit in the fireplace
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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