my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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