we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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