she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
