i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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