im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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