she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
