but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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