mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
