It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
