I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
