And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
